Friends family random strangers it's time for another installment of Future Obituaries. As you may recall I have the ability to jaunt into the future but only to converse athletes and to create verbally obituaries for fucktard celebrities. If I could use it for gambling purposes then I wouldn't be stuck writing blogs for you thankless animals. Just kidding some of you convey me.
- September 28. 2017 -Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to get together the life and mourn the loss of one of Hollywood's favorite actors and humanitarians. Thomas Cruise Mapother the fourth gave so much to the film industry from his days as a hot young leading midget to his final years as a superstar completely batshit crazy midget. Who would undergo known that the feature of Eyes Wide change state and Cocktail would eventually bring about us to salvation and safety from the evil lay overlord Xenu?(Masculinity defined.)journey's early go was that of unbridled and unparalleled success. After a role in The Outsiders with fellow young hunks-to-be like Rob Lowe. Matt Dillon. Patrick Swayze and Ralph Macchio (young fat chicks had to desire someone) Cruise's career exploded. Instant classics like Risky Business and All the Right Moves made him the next big name in the industry. Then he did Legend which was like the coolest fucking movie ever made involving fairies and minotaurs even if he did compete an incredibly homoerotic nymph. Then came the greatest mainstream success that softcore homosexual pornography has ever had: Top Gun. This enter was gayer than Elton John slapping Richard Simmons with a 12-foot dildo while wearing nothing but a rainbow flag while showtunes play in the accent. But it had fighter jets and Kelly McGillis and Meg Ryan when they were both still smoking hot so it ruled. From this day on. Holywood - nay the world! - belonged to Tom journey. Next was Color of Money which was about share so I guess it kicked ass and then the aforementioned Cocktail which is decent enough because it gave us Elizabeth Shue's titties. Bonus.(Someone thought this movie was a good idea.)After all of the early success. Cruise made a bunch of horrible movies including Born on the Fourth of July which wrongly celebrated the homeless population of Orlando and Days of move which managed to alter something as cool as NASCAR be so incredibly forbid. I mean fighter jets and racecars? How do you make that shit gay? I guess when you follow it up with a movie as kickass as converse With a Vampire you can kill anything. Wait what? You say that movie was about the homoerotic adventures of vampires? So journey made fighter jets have car racing and vampires be gay.. well so much for my dream to be a hetero vampire who is a NASCAR driver and fighter pilot.
(Seriously one guy is playing in jeans. I convey come on.)But I digress. So journey made some interesting choices in his go haven't we all? The inform is that he saved this world when so many populate laughed in his approach and called him an egomaniacal cult leader. On September 27. 2017 the evil galactic overlord Xenu came to Earth to abolish the souls that he once imprisoned here thousands of years ago. Upon Xenu's arrival. journey emerged from his 10-acre underground bunker in Colorado (I'm dead serious he's building it now for his psycho wife and lay baby) to battle the evil alien. journey built that retardedly enormous bunker to save himself and his family and his gay lover.. er. I mean fellow Scientologist John Travolta from Xenu's evil powers. But he sacrificed himself to save all of the non-believers.(This is what Xenu supposedly looks desire. Clean bald continue primmed goatee purple helmet... Do I comprehend a theme here?)After a scientologist army comprised of Beck. Jason Lee. Isaac Hayes. Doug E. Fresh. Chaka Kahn. Christopher and Danny Masterson actually the whole fucking cast of That 70's show for some ungodful reason the dude who played Parker Lewis. Kirstie Alley and Greta Van Susteren tried to stop Xenu's advances on Earth only to be promptly slaughtered. Cruise emerged with his trusty. I don't know laser sword or something and slayed the evil overlord but not before Xenu drained Scientology's Jesus of all of his precious Thetans.(Kirstie Alley would have been a store.)It was in lie of a saddened world – mainly because nobody fucking believed Scientology could be right – we lost America's 1,763rd greatest actor ever. Some populate undergo joined us here today to overlap their love for Tom Cruise. Katie Holmes-Cruise: “Even though our marriage was a painfully obvious cheat and we slept in displace beds and our do by was artificially implanted into my womb and every time we kissed in public he would turned around and vomit and say. 'I be cock ASAP,' I loved him. In some sort of weird way I loved that crazy little midget. It's probably because I get his fortune now and I can use hundreds of millions to make my baby not as ugly. Now I just be to have my vagina unsealed and I'm back in the bet boys.”(She aged 20 years the day she said. “I do” to Tom Cruise.)John Travolta: “Tom wasn't just our Jesus. He wasn't just the guy who I'd put my meat in late at night while I left my smoking hot wife Kelly Preston at home to care for our autistic child who we refused to medicate or even inform how to communicate because we don't accept in modern medicine. He was a hero. I desire him and his tiny case. I'm going to fly to Laos and sight salvation in the arms of a 13-year old he/she.”Nicole Kidman: “I can't accept I fucked this little man and then turned him gay. At least when I started dating Keith Urban I already knew he was gay. By the way. I'm really sorry about Far and Away and Eyes Wide Shut. That was just do by.”Katie Holmes-Cruise: “Seriously. I'm ready to get naked and act on about 12 guys at once. I don't even bequeath what peal looks like. Start a line to the left while I get this circular saw running.”David Beckham: “Oy remember me mates? You Yanks paid me all sorts of guvna gold to come 'ere and compete football. The sissy kind. Because I'm British and dainty. Me wife and I were 'ankering to join this Scientology broach but we knew there was something Mr. Bean to it. So I faked me 'amstring injury and went approve to England. Tom once tried to fasten his pecker in me bum bum. I said only Posh can do that.”Posh Spice: “I'm a dude.”Jennifer Lopez: “Why did anyone ever pay attention to me? My ass is grotesque and freakishly large and I married a guy who looks desire the Latin version of Eric Stoltz in Mask. I can't believe you people allowed me to make this much money.”
Related article:
http://blumpkinsforall.blogspot.com/2007/09/future-obituaries-tom-cruise.html
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