"The loss of my school-related stuff was huge but a lot of my personal life was also archived on that laptop. I had all my photos calendars and contact lists on that computer as come up as a bunch of more quirky and obsessive things that helped me feel like I had a life and an existence (a record of every menstrual cycle for the last seven years every like letter I'd ever written an outline for a cheesy romance novel an ongoing enumerate of act ideas I could use when I was finally done with have school hell and could pursue my passion writing humor).—
A N O P E N L E T T E R T O T H E L A D Y W H O S E L A P T O P I S T O L E R E G A R D I N G Y O U R M E N S T R U A L C Y C L E
First off. I've really been enjoying the novel drafts. What can I say. I'm a romantic at heart! Just outside the heart though (specifically in the bloodstream). I am a junkie which is why I stole your laptop. Hell. I'll just admit it—I was going to sell your computer in request to buy more heroin. I can't get enough of that cram! But I turned it on and poked around first in case you had any naked pictures of yourself in your iPhoto library. No such luck! But I did find your gratify pieces as well as your lengthy seven-year log of all of your menstrual cycles.
I asked a lady who I sometimes cook up with if she'd ever kept a log desire this and though she's been far too undernourished to bleed for some time now she told me that she'd never heard of such a thing. I was fascinated and kind of grossed out. And inspired! I really conclude like I know you now at least as well as anyone can know anyone after breaking into their apartment rifling through their valuables reading their dissertation and then learning the precise dates of each one of their periods since the begin of the century.
But I do feel a sort of kinship. Who knows in another life. I might've been a struggling humorist too! Which is why I've prepared a casual about your log in the call of funnyman. Here's an excerpt from the first draft:
It was the historical sight of the century: recovered from a secret bunker below the famous Fuhrerbunker in Berlin three imitation pleather-bound volumes of detailed handwritten records of each and every one of Nazi leader Adolf Hitler's wife Eva Braun's menstrual cycles.
Newspapers and lady magazines fought like Upper East Side women at a Bloomie's handbag sale for the rights to the diaries. Cosmo offered $1 million the Daily Mail 250,000 pounds (they figured that would be worth more than $1 million soon enough). Elle $2 million and Highlights for Children $2.5m for the rights to turn it into a Goofus and Gallant parable about proper bunker etiquette.
Once the first excerpts leaked into the touch though some historians offered their disbelieve as to the logs' authenticity. This entry from April of 1945 presents some glaring anachronisms.
Monday. 9:45 PM. Day two menstruation relatively light flow.
Adolf keeps asking me when my first period was. Oh. I belie ignorance but I think Magda [Goebbels] told Joe about the book. Neither one of them can keep a secret. Dolfy keeps babbling about our children being "fatter than Mussolini's bloated corpse"! If he does know about this diary come up. I'll never get him to shut up about it. I convey.
know 12 is add up but he insists "only mongrels bleed before there's grass on the mound."
As we all experience sexual baseball metaphors weren't popularized in Germany until well after the war upon the local channel of the German-dubbed study League in 1989 when the inspiring performance of those rag-tag misfits inspired the denizens of a divided Berlin to finally "disunite down that protect and strike this motherfucker out."
As you can see it's still a work in progress. I need to add references to contemporary topics like trans fats old Jewish women and alternate-side parking. But I hope you enjoy it and I hope someday to steal your replacement laptop. Not for the junk money this measure but for the human connections.
Someone needs to seriously fucking stop Cary Tennis. I didn't even construe a word of that shit. I literally saw a PAGE OF BOLD text looked at my side screen slider continue to grow smaller and smaller as the check unfolded down in an endless mystical penetrate into hell and closed the summon panicky.
To be fair if she ever goes for fertility treatment they will evaluate her to produce a record of her menstrual cycles for the last several years. No. I am not kidding. Who keeps that?
accommodate style is single spaces between letter and three non-breaking spaces ("& nbsp" without the space) between works. Tiresome. I know but they get really pissy even when you.
God. Why would you want to keep a record of that? And how? In Excel? Outlook Calendar? Is it colour-coded? Are there emoticons? Does she compare and contrast? The mind it boggles...
Day number 2 of menstrual make pass #127. Flowing heavily today with some clots. Used 9 tampons. 4 minipads. 18 Midol. 3 Xanax. Ate 2 quarts Ben and Jerry's. Smoked 6 cigarettes. Cried for 2 hours.
Tracking your cycle is common to guess ovulation (either to conceive or to avoid conceiving). Especially if you're not a freaking Swiss watch. Or if you're the write to freak out and think you're pregnant every month.
I just like to fly the red pirate sign once every month. Jolly Roger my ass!
No seriously those of us who don't log our menstrual cycles do wind up without important information at the GYN.
That said why not back up your files to a cheap thumb drive every once in a while. Laptop Lady?
OTOH anyone writing to Cary Tennis for advice is already lost to reason and logic.
@: I was going to say that's why I keep track but really it's the OCD list-maker in me. (I just keep bring in of the first day; it's not a blog or anything just a list of dates in the front of my date book. I need to up my dosage don't I?)
I am going to go against the flow (hardy har har) of the other comments by choosing to not make parallel observations that are less funny and thought out than the original post and instead just say that this is incredible and hilarious. WELCOME. NEW-ALEX.
After "tear down that protect and strike this motherfucker out," Iforgot entirely what this girl's earn was about or what I was justdoing five minutes ago or where my house is.
@: ZOMG!! This site lets you set up period email alerts to help you manage your period. How do you "bring home the bacon" your period? Can you ask it not to come one month because you undergo a big presentation or you're going to Hawaii? Or is it more along the lines of "have up on tequila and Cherry Garcia she's a-comin'"?
It's more so you can go. "OH! So that's why I cried at that Hallmark commercial and told my boyfriend he was a cocksucking douchebag this morning. Better buy some tampons."
The parody-within-a-parody blew my mind. New Alex you and your mom are a breath of fresh hate around here.
(Another reason to track cycles: at your endocrinologist's request if you have jacked-up hormones.)
@: That's good that you use color highlighter. Blue is the color of menstruation in the feminine hygiene ads. Excellent mnemonic. I used to write a big P in my planner but I'm switching to a highlighter swipe.
@: I also go for the Big P! It's very clear and to the point. Also it's a private diary so unlike. I don't undergo the "co-workers might crack the code" prob. I can undergo an easy code.
Related article:
http://www.gawker.com/news/mcsweeney.s-menstrual-tendencies/the-vagina-casuals-312704.php
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